Moving on…
Wisdom and foolishness are by-products of risk. Risk. The unknown. Invigorating, intimidating, and intoxicating. I’m an adventurous gal, easily tired by repetition (recently accused that it was actually consistency, and I was afraid of it. Bah!). In order to get my fix, I like to try new things. Oh the intoxication of piercings and tattoos. Anymore, neither of those items is considered exploratory. Alas, I stick to the mundane hair dye, the pig brain, and the less audacious.
I suppose each time I endeavor something new (be it relationally, academically, or professionally) I ought to do a little CBA. How will this service me in the future? While I’m definitely a proponent of assessing my decisions, time investments and mistakes, not to mention that I value intentionality, somehow I end up in situations that cause me to wonder, what am I doing? Will I screw up my own life or someone else’s? I’m also a strong believer in the interdisciplinary nature of life. Everything affects everything else. It may not happen now, but I know that my future will live to tell the story of my past choices.
Maybe you can relate to what I’m saying. I do not believe I’m alone in my observations. Quick poll: how many of you want to run when faced with risks and challenges? Ok, so I know there are a few out there that scream, “bring it!” (please add your own accent for emphasis). But let’s be honest with ourselves. We run for many reasons. Fear. Frustration. Can’t be bothered. Lack of commitment and integrity.
My father raised me to believe in independence, self-sufficiency, and perseverance. Don’t let the man keep you down. So I’ve held on dearly to his philosophy, adapting it to fit my personality and belief system. Somehow, in the past two years, I’ve loosened my grip on this fortune cookie adage. As I embrace the mortality of life and the twenty-something period of my life, I find myself frantically calling the travel agent for the soonest flight to Zimbabwe or Kyrgastan. It’s much simpler to run. Don’t have to face anyone. Don’t have to face myself, my inabilities, my insufficiencies, and insecurities. That’s a lot of ins.
I’m proud to say I haven’t run…yet. Usually after a time of introspective meditation, I reach for my air boot-straps, take in a deep breath, and say…ok, I’m not going to say that here. But essentially, I refuse to be dictated by others. I refuse to allow myself the satisfaction of knowing I was right…wrong—depends on the situation. I suck it up, apply for a new job, and move on with my life.
I suppose my name, Hope, has prophetically shaped my outlook on life. The slightest ray of possibility is often enough to get me going again. At this stage of my life, I’m trying hard to grip that last thread. To ignore that flat tire as I careen 80 mph down I-5.
Oh but these things are momentary! I press on, praying for the wisdom of those who’ve gone before, and hoping to share a bit to those who come behind.
2 comments:
Afraid of consistency... now that's an interesting thought I wouldn't have associated with you! Hmm...
You say, "My father raised me to believe in independence, self-sufficiency, and perseverance." This is good--we should, to a certain extent, be self-sufficient.
But what about community? Interdependence on others? Sharing the struggle? Don't sell these things short--or lose sight of your comrades in life be they fam, friends, or strangers at Barnes and Noble!). I think you ultimately know this, since you "...press on, praying for the wisdom of those who’ve gone before, and hoping to share a bit to those who come behind." Here you are desiring and almost depending on knowledge of those of the past--those of the community at large. Interesting contrast.
Independence vs. interdependence = interesting. Think about it. (You can think I'm on illicit substances if you'd prefer)....
Sorry this has taken me ages to respond to.
Of course community is essential to live a fulfilling existence. I believe that we were created with a need for community. Community comes in many shapes and forms, but interdependence is what makes a community meaningful. It takes time, trust, vulnerability, transperency and a million other things that are absolutely scary.
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